I can’t relate.

That was exactly what the voice inside my head was saying as one of my expat friends was talking about her life in Africa. What she was explaining was so far from the reality of my life that I couldn’t even imagine, in my wildest of dreams, what she was talking about.

The funny thing was, I too was an expat. I’d been living in France for 5 years, in my books that was as ‘expat’ as it got. Heck, I even had a blog about being an expat—I considered myself pretty well versed on the subject.

Yet, sitting in the back yard/garden(I don’t even know what to call it anymore) in France with my friend who just came back from Africa, and listening to her explain her life there; it was beyond the grasp of my imagination.

“You have a driver?!?” I couldn’t quite picture what that would be like.

I needed to know more. “So, just to clarify…he drives you to the grocery store, and then like, waits while you go in and do your shopping, and then he just drives you home again?” I ask in disbelief.

“Well…actually our maid usually does the shopping, because she gets better prices at the market.” My friend bashfully admitted.

SHE WAS BLOWING MY MIND!!!

So, she didn’t drive OR grocery shop?!?  After I grilled her with about 178 questions about this life that seemed so foreign to me, I had somewhat of a picture of her life painted in my mind. She lived in Africa, which I assumed wasn’t always easy, but she had, as a regular part of her life, a driver, a maid, a nanny, and a security guard exclusively for her family.

Who is she married to, Jay Z? Is that what you’re thinking? Because that’s what I’d be thinking if I didn’t already know her husband. I assure you he is not Jay Z. She has a regular husband, with a regular job; but he happens to do that job in very different locations around the world.

I was fascinated by this ‘other’ expat life that I was learning about. You see, by now, France didn’t feel like this strange exotic country that we were temporarily posted in. After 5 years, and 2 babies, France felt like home. Not our temporary expat home, but our real home- the only home our kids had ever known. As a family we had a similar life to the one we would have if we lived in Canada, but with the added bonus of cheap wine and amazing cheese.

Still intrigued by the idea; the next day when a different friend came over for a playdate with her son, I had to ask her about it too. Before France, she had lived in India, Malaysia, and Indonesia; she was a professional expat.

“Did you have a bunch of people who worked in your house?” I asked her as our toddlers scattered toys through every square inch of my house.

She smirked at me, nodding without hesitation. My friend went on to explain that France didn’t feel like a REAL expat. It was just like living at home, but instead you were in France. I didn’t really understand back then that living in France was considered an “easy expat”.

And then we found out we were moving to Indonesia…

“You’ll take over our team then?” my husband was asked by the person he was replacing in Indonesia.

He was in Indonesia for a week to find us a house, check out the school and do the ‘hand-over’ at work from the person who previously had his job, but was moving to another country. His colleague’s ‘team’ consisted of a full time cook/cleaner, a nanny, a driver, and a part time gardener.

As lovely as it all sounded, my husband and I agreed that we were not the kind of people who needed ‘a team’. We politely declined, saying it wouldn’t be necessary, that maybe we’d just get a cleaner to come to the house once a week, like we’ve always done.

When he called from Indonesia the next day he sounded a bit overwhelmed.

“So, it turns out we have to take a team.” He told me over the phone, slightly confused about the whole thing.

My husband went on to explain that he was told at work that as foreigners, we were EXPECTED to employ a team of people; that we should think of it as giving back to the community. He may be taking one job as a foreigner, but he’s now employing 4 locals, and supporting their families. I still wasn’t sure, and neither was my husband. It seemed a bit excessive to us. The local wages were low by western standards, so it was affordable. But by no means was it necessary for us to have all those people working at our house. We hung up the phone, both of us still on the fence about ‘the team’.

While I was asleep in France, my husband was having lunch at the house of the coworker whose position he was taking over. They decided this would be a good way for my husband to be introduced to our future team that everyone assumed we were taking over, but we still hadn’t completely agreed.

I woke up to a text from my husband. Call me when you’re up.

When your husband is on the other side of the world planning your future life and you receive a message like this-you call before you even go pee. At least I do!

“What’s going on?” I skip all the pleasantries of hello, good morning, and the like. I wanted to get right down to business!

“We’ve got ourselves a team.”  He said in a tone I couldn’t get a read on.

“WHAT!?!” I was shocked! My husband was more against the idea than I was the last time we talked.

Let’s be honest…any stay at home mom that is told she’s going to have an in-house nanny and house-helper on a full time basis, can easily see the up-side of this. But as I wasn’t accustomed to this type of situation, it still seemed so strange to me! I like my alone time, and the idea of having multiple people in my house all day, every day, was difficult to envision.

We had a general idea of what Indonesia would be like before we moved because we had spent a month there on our honeymoon. But where we would be living wasn’t touristy like the places we went on our first visit to the country. There was no income from tourism where we were moving. The quality of life of many of people in the country is something that we are not accustomed to in our lives in Canada. My husband met our soon to be ‘team’ and it took about 2.5 seconds before he knew that there was no way he was going to put 4 people, and the families they support, out of an income. In fact, not only was he going to employ them, but he was giving them a raise.

So here I sit in Indonesia, with our cook/cleaner, nanny, driver, gardener, and now it’s me sounding completely unrelatable to anyone who has not been in this situation. I understand!!! I was in your shoes just 6 short months ago.

Some jobs of our ‘team’ are completely necessary: like our driver. I found this so strange to get used to for the first little while, but with a road system that reminds me of my time in India(scooters everywhere, from what I can tell no traffic rules or laws and a general feeling of slight chaos), plus driving on a different side of the road, I would never leave my house without him.

Other jobs, like our nanny—maybe not quite as necessary. My oldest daughter is in school, and my youngest in part time ‘petite école’(playschool), so there isn’t really anyone for her to ‘nanny’ most of the day. When my youngest is home, she is glued to my hip anyway, so there isn’t much nanny-ing going on. My husband and I both know without even needing to discuss it, that we will never ‘let go’ our nanny because her family very much depends on her income. So instead she helps out around the house and in the kitchen.

It’s a different life. I know that. And I also know it’s a temporary situation. The free time that the ladies who work in our house create for me is a luxury that I am acutely aware of, and do not take for granted. It allows me to write, spend quality time with my daughters, and it eliminates any arguments about having a messy house, or whose turn it is to clean; which is a gift to our marriage. In turn, our house-helpers are happy to be working at what is considered to be a good job that supports their families.

It’s still a strange lifestyle for me when I step back and think about it. But it’s slowly becoming our “for now” normal…as is living in a place where red lights are optional, internet connections are sporadic, and serious consequences can arise from drinking the tap water. It’s a crazy thing this expat life! We take the good with the bad, try to help others where we can, and hope that our friends back home don’t think we’re complete jerks when we casually say things like, “our driver”.

Are you an expat? Canadian Expat Mom is publishing the upcoming anthology, Once Upon An Expat. You’ve got a few more weeks to submit your story. Make it happy, sad, funny or inspirational…just not boring!

Find out more information about the call for submissions here.

Happy writing!