You may have heard me talk about third culture kids, or maybe you’ve wondered why I sometimes add #tck to my Instagram posts. Before I was in the expat circle, and became a parent abroad, I’d never even heard the term. So don’t worry if you feel lost.
A ‘Third Culture Kid’, or ‘TCK’ refers to children that spend their formative years outside of their parents’ country and culture. It was was coined in the 50’s by a sociologist, and basically, he was referring to kids like mine.
Sometimes I feel that being a third culture kid is the best gift that I could possibly give my children. And other times I think it’s the worst.
On the upside.
Our kids are worldly. They were born in France and French has subsequently become the more dominant of their two first-languages.
They’ve also lived in Indonesia. Not in Bali, where many people go on vacation, but on the island of Borneo, where instead of wearing a hijab like the local kids, their fair hair flowed off their bare arms. They were the obvious minority.
Right now we’re on our second year of living in The Republic of Congo, and they feel at home here. They don’t notice the lack of modern amenities and creature-comforts like my husband and I do. Amazingly, they are happy with what they have and don’t feel like they’re missing out on anything. 
Our various geographical positions in the world means that they’ve travelled more than most adults, either because of proximity to other countries, or simply in order to see family.
Our kids’ friends are African, Middle Eastern and European, but they don’t notice the culture differences when they go to these homes.
They are accepting, without exception or prejudice. Their friends come from families that celebrate different customs, eat different food, and sometimes, wear different clothes. ‘Different’ is their normal.
Cultural diversity is their comfort zone.
That is a gift that money can’t buy.
On the flip side.
In some ways, they’re missing out.
My husband and I come from a country with an excellent quality of life. Standards are high from health care to self care. Dentist, eye doctor, and speech therapy are things my kids need, but only have easy access to in the summer when we’re back in Canada or France.
There are things that, pardon my bias here, Canada just does better. Like Halloween! It’s something so silly, I know, but every time October 31st rolls around my husband and I can’t help but reminisce with our kids (like a couple of immigrants) about how things were done when we were kids ‘back in our country’. Running through the streets with pillow cases full of candy are some of our favourite childhood memories. Our kids don’t really care because they don’t know any different, but as parents, we wish they could experience the joy that simple things like a Canadian Halloween brings to kids their age.
Finally, and most importantly, the distance from family.
Gone are the days when kids can hop on their bikes and ride to their grandparents’ house. If that still applies to you, cherish it, because I think it’s exceptional. My TCKs don’t drive across the city to see their grandparents. Instead they fly clear across the world, literally. I know they’re missing out on birthday parties, family dinners, and sleepovers. Coming from a large and tight-knit family is one of the best gifts my parents have given me. As an adult, my cousins are still my best friends. And here I am, slightly lacking in my ability to pass that on to my children.
Instead, my kids get Skype calls and power-visits. Every summer there’s 3-6 weeks straight of sleepovers at their grandparents, which is great, but then they miss out on everything in between.
I recently read an article by Aetna International that explores the pros and cons of being a Third Culture Kid. If you take a look you’ll see they have a longer list than mine, but reading it, I could see that almost everything applied to my own kids.
We’ve met quite a few TCKs that are now adults: Some that are working as expats themselves, and some that are the grown children of expats we know. There tends to be two camps among these adult TCKs. Both are cultured and full of interesting stories, but some tend to love travel, and naturally continue to do so; while the others want to plant the roots they felt they were lacking as kids, and tend to stay put.
I can’t say which is better. Sometimes the answer feels clear, but most days it’s more complicated than that. I feel fortunate that my kids have had a lifetime of experiences in their young lives. They’re adaptable and worldly, and for that, I couldn’t be more proud.
For now, we’ll continue to pay outrageous internet prices to ensure we stay connected with our family back home. And as for Halloween, I guess that just saves a few trips to the dentist in the summer.
Do you have Kids Who Travel the World?
If you do, they might enjoy my children’s book series by the same name.
Paris, Rome, London and soon, African Safari. Get yours on Amazon today!
As a TCK myself raising what, 4th or 5th culture kids, I hear you. Yes, there are some identity crisis moments as you age. The same questions that bother us as adult internationals (ie where are you from?) bother TCKs. Questions about why your family moved around or did things differently can be painful at a younger age and enriching at an older age.
That said, my mother always spoke of her ‘home’ when I was growing up but that wasn’t, and never has felt, like MY home. If she had moved us there, I would have been furious with her. I would have survived but the drama would have been real. My home was where I lived and grew up and not where she did. I see the same thing with my kids. Canada may be where their mother lived, but it is not at all how they see themselves. Conversely, England might be where their father lived, but it is not at how they see themselves. Perhaps because Mr H and I don’t have a mutual home, our roots don’t run as deep and this transfers onto our kids. Although, friends of ours (both parents from the USA) have children a few years older than yours and the kids do not want to move ‘back to the USA’. That has never been their home and when that conversation started to get real about repatriating, the kids dug their heels in DEEP with refusal to move to a country they didn’t identify with other than for special holiday and foods. Gah, there aren’t any answers to the questions you posed!!! lol
Regardless, we don’t live with the idea that this life will end at any point so I try to not think about the what ifs too much. Sure I wish I could show my kids more of what I grew up with but in those moments I try to think about all they are getting that I didn’t.
Yes, their blessings and gifts and just different than the ones we grew up with. 🙂