“My Mommy cried last night,” I heard a five-year-old in my class confess to her friend as they ate their snack at their little kindergarten size table.
“Why?” Her friend inquired with concern and shock.
By this time, I was in full eavesdropping mode, wondering if there was some kind of domestic issue that I might need to be abreast of that could effect my student.
“She said she didn’t feel like she was a good mom.”
My heart sank. It broke. Right there, in my classroom, my heart shattered into a million pieces for this mom. She didn’t feel like she was a good mom. The words came from a small voice, but they were thundering in my ears.
Welcome to the club sister.
Here’s the thing: this isn’t a child who comes to school without a snack, or not dressed for the weather. This is one of the sweetest kids in my class, who is smart, funny and kind. I don’t actually know her paretns well because they’re both teachers, so they can’t ever be at their daughter’s school. Maybe that’s where the guilt lies? Or maybe it was something completely different. But I stood in solidarity with this mom, because just that morning, my own kindergarten daughter begged me to go on the field trip with her class and I knew there was no way I could. My guilt for working was heavy that day.
Mom guilt. It’s the worst kind.
This is what I know: There is an amazing little girl in my class who any parent would be proud of, and her mom had cried the night before, because she felt like she wasn’t doing a good enough job.
Confession time: Sometimes, I lose my patience. And then I feel horribly guilty, like I’m the worst mom EVER! I’m a kindergarten teacher, after all, aren’t I supposed to have all the patience in the world?
Why are we so hard on ourselves? Mom-guilt is like a built in super-emotion that magically appears the moment you get that positive sign on the pee stick. Am I eating right? Am I getting enough rest? Should I breast feed or give formula? Are they in the right school? Are they making the right friends? And so it continues, well….forever, I’m guessing.
Basically, we all want the best for our kids. But guess what?!? Life happens. And sometimes, we, as parents, drop the ball. We make mistakes. We are human. But does that mean we’re bad parents? HECK NO!!
Why do we treat others with more kindness that we give ourselves? Why don’t we allow ourselves to make mistakes without carrying so much guilt that we’re reduced to tears.
I stood in my classroom and wondered, across the city, what was my own daughter’s teacher overhearing in her kindergarten class? The thing about five year olds is that they have no filter. Does my daughter’s teacher already know that last week I totally lost my cool after my youngest refused to stop melting-down because she didn’t want to brush her teeth before bed? Does she know how crappy I felt after for not handling it better?
Parents, especially moms, I feel you! I get it when you’re kid is freaking out in the super market, and I REALLY understand when your baby is crying on the airplane and you can feel everyone’s eyes on you. Sometimes, no matter how hard we try, and how good our intentions are, shit just falls apart and there’s nothing in any parenting book that would be able to change that. So let’s ease up: on ourselves, on each other, and most importantly, on our expectations. Because that mom, whose daughter told her friend that her mommy cried the night before, she’s doing a great job. From where I’m sitting, she’s a really, really good mom. And I hope deep-down she knows that.